Relationships | Student Health and Counseling Services

Overview

Many students enter into an intimate relationship during college and it feels exhilarating and easy at first. As time goes on, however, ups and downs are going to happen. Maintaining a healthy relationship requires good communication and cooperation between partners. The quality of the relationships we have affects our lives in many ways, including our self-esteem, our ability to handle stress, and our academic and work-related productivity.

The following questionnaire can help you identify the health of the relationship that you have with a significant other. Answer each question with a simple "yes" or "no."

My partner and I have clear communication
We have trust in one another
There is mutual respect between us
We have common interests
We are able to perceive things differently without expecting each other to see things the others’ way
I feel valued intellectually, emotionally, and if intimate, physically
I am able to grow independently, and I support my partner’s growth, thus our relationship is also able to grow
We have activities and friends outside of the relationship
We accept each other and do not try to change one another
Our relationship adds joy to my life

If you answered “no” to any of the above questions you may want to explore the health of your relationship. Speaking with a counselor at SHCS Counseling Services can be very helpful in clarifying any concerns that you have.

Building Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships allow for individuality and personal growth, all while bringing out the best in both people. Developing meaningful relationships is a concern for us because getting close to others, sharing our joys, sorrows, needs, wants, affections, and excitements is risky business. What is it that interferes with us getting close to each other? Often it is one or more of these common fears:

Fear of becoming known as we really are. Opening ourselves up to someone else is not only difficult for us, but it also puts a high demand to be accepted by others.
Fear of pain and disappointment. Mass media and advertisers have tried to convince us that we should always be happy, and put feelings of sadness and disappointment away from view. Hurt, pain, disappointment, and loneliness are not comfortable feelings, but they are typical of the human experience. Without the risk of experiencing these emotions, one can never experience loving and being loved.
Fear of losing our freedom. We might think to ourselves, "Can I risk giving up some of my freedom to care about a partner without them wanting to take it all away? Can I be both close and separate with my partner?"
Fear of being a receiver as well as a giver. It is difficult for most of us to receive; yet if we don't, no one can experience the joy of giving to us.
Fear that showing love and affection is not proper. This is often seen as a sign of weakness rather than a sign of courage.

How to Communicate Effectively

When people are asked what the most important ingredients in a relationship are, communication almost always is on the list. Yet we rarely are taught HOW to communicate effectively. Communication with others boils down to either expressing ourselves or responding to someone else. Yet the methods for doing each are quite different.

Expressing Ourselves

When you are stating an opinion, making an observation, or expressing a feeling, the most appropriate format to use is called an "I-Statement." You may even hopefully be already using them. I-statements allow us to state things in positive terms, to express ourselves directly and honestly, and to take responsibility for what we think, feel, and need while avoiding blaming or accusing others. In contrast, "You-statements" blame the other person, put him/her/them on the defensive, and often cause communication to be blocked.

Responding to Others

When other people are expressing themselves, it is not appropriate to use I-statements when responding. A more effective technique is called "Reflection."

Reflection is saying back, in your own words, the content and/or feelings of what the other person just stated.

Reflection does not question, challenge, argue, approve, or disapprove.

Fighting Fairly

A major stumbling block in any relationship is settling disagreements, which often reduce to emotional shouting matches rather than caring problem solving. Basic ground rules for effectively facing conflict in a relationship include:

Sticking with the issue>
Avoid blaming one another
Listen carefully
Try to accept
Be willing to compromise

If you feel the relationship has deteriorated to a point where these methods can't be tried, you may want to consider a neutral, non-judgmental third party to mediate the discussions.